19 July 2018

I am pumping from so many wells that have dried up long ago.  I am stuck in this endless game of catch between the past and future.  Decency and the obscene.  The world and the wild.  The devil and God.  I am hanging weightless in the balance, kicking but not moving, screaming but not being heard.  This thing that is always sleeping within me, latent until woken.  Then it feeds until it is full.  Sleeps again atop the world it ruined.  To all but me, this beast lay unexposed.  Dormant until it rages again like a disease.  I am in endless fog, living between particles.  Breathing in thickness.  Cannot focus, cannot find the words.  Just sitting here, watching myself descend.  Eyes sinking into skull.  Chest sinking into lungs.  Days get darker and nights get longer- the dark before the dawn is as bright as I can go.